EWH Chapter 68

Arc 6: Nathan Nover. By The Time I Arrived, Everything Was Already Over.

‘How dreadful’

I thought I heard someone say. As those words suggested, it was truly a horrific sight. No one noticed that the knuckles gripping the horse’s reins had turned white. When faced with something I had only encountered through newspaper articles or book pages, I didn’t know how to react. I could only breathe like an idiot.

‘Haa, haa…’

The already collapsed city walls offered no help. Buildings burned from fires that people hadn’t had time to extinguish as they fled, and ruins were everywhere. Although my entire body ached as if I had been beaten from riding non-stop day and night, the scene before me made such pain easy to ignore.

The knights from the viscount’s family who had come with me were saying something, but I was no longer in my right mind. How could I maintain my sanity in this situation? Their voices sounded muffled, as if coming from far away. I left them behind and rode on.

Clop, clop-!

The horse’s hooves clattered loudly. Ah, blood was splattered everywhere on the streets, and corpses were strewn about. The smell of gunpowder mixed with the stench of blood assaulted my nostrils. The sight that filled my vision made me feel nauseous, but there was no time to leisurely empty my stomach. I shouted desperately.

‘Hey! Is anyone there!’

‘Answer if you can hear me!’

‘Is there really no one?!’

‘Someone, anyone! Please answer if you’re alive…!’

‘Father!’

‘Mother!’

No matter how much I shouted until my throat was raw, there was no response. Only my voice echoed emptily in the air. A dizzying vertigo hit me. My hands trembled and my breathing quickened. This couldn’t be real. It couldn’t be.

‘Someone…!’

My voice, which had been crying out like a wail, suddenly stopped when I saw a familiar piece of clothing. The moment I saw a familiar sword lying on the ground, I fell off my horse.

Crack, crack, crack…

The sound of something cracking came from somewhere.

The next moment, the scenery changed. As I blinked a couple of times, a small hand came into view. I wriggled my fingers and grasped the cloth in front of me.

‘Cough, cough!’

A youthful voice coughed familiarly. Sniffling sounds followed. Then, a large hand filled my vision.

‘Oh dear, you still have a bit of a fever.’

‘Yes…’

The hand gently cupping my cheeks was warm. The voice falling from above was so kind that I closed my eyes. The voice coming from the darkness was so gentle that I felt like crying.

‘We should really go south as soon as possible.’

‘But I like it here…’

‘Darling, I know you like this place. But it’s too hard on you to keep getting sick like this. This place is too cold and barren for you.’

Crack.

The scenery before my eyes blurred again. As the view, which had become hazy like running paint, came back into focus, a deep voice settled in my ear.

‘Madam, the young master is too frail to hold a sword.’

Those words, heard through the slightly open door, stuck in my heart like thorns. I stood there blankly for a moment before walking down the dim corridor as if fleeing.

‘We’re fine with you not holding a sword.’

‘Yes, how about magic? You’d do well as a magician.’

What did I answer to my parents who were comforting me? I couldn’t remember because I was too young. I probably said I still wanted to hold a sword.

Ah, I wanted to hold a sword.

Despite spending half of each year in bed since birth, I still wanted to hold a sword. Because everyone except me held swords, I naturally thought I should hold one too.

Due to my health, I eventually left the domain and entered the academy early. I was told I had no talent for swordsmanship. They suggested I try the magic department instead. But I stubbornly insisted on learning swordsmanship.

‘That guy is really a nuisance, I don’t understand why he’s taking sword lessons?’

‘I know! When you’re in the same group as him, you can’t even practice!’

‘Look at earlier, he ended up vomiting and collapsing again…’

After years of hearing others badmouth me behind my back, it had become familiar. I just hoped they would leave quickly because I was hungry.

At that moment, a girl with short auburn hair entered my vision. As her ice-blue eyes stared at me, I could only stand frozen against the wall like an insect caught in a spider’s web. The girl approached quickly and greeted me.

‘Shall I teach those guys a lesson?’

‘What? No, it’s fine…!’

‘Why? Aren’t you angry that they’re badmouthing you like that?’

‘…They’re right, so I don’t mind. There’s no need for that.’

After I uttered those pathetic words, the girl seemed displeased.

‘You… No, I suppose I shouldn’t have said anything.’

Leaving behind words that I should tell her if I ever needed help, the girl walked away, and I couldn’t say anything. Because I was envious. No, not just of her, but of everyone else. I had countless times when I wondered if I should learn something else even now. Yet I couldn’t let go of the sword. Thinking of my parents who secretly liked it despite pretending otherwise, and the other people in the domain, I couldn’t let it go.

It seemed better to stay alone at the academy like this. I knew better than anyone how pathetic I looked. Still, I thought that if I tried hard, even if it took time, I would gradually improve. I thought my efforts would be rewarded.

But the day I properly held a sword never came.

Crack, crack. Clang…

Finally, the sound of something breaking was heard.

The scenery before my eyes blurred again. When my disoriented vision returned, I was standing by the window. For days, the sky had been overcast without a trace of sunlight. It was a place where rain rarely fell, but perhaps even the sky understood the sadness that had settled here. Judging by the damp air, it seemed like it would rain soon.

‘Young master, it’s time to go now.’

‘Alright’

The funeral was held quickly. Bodies killed by monsters had to be burned, so the flames didn’t die down for days.

Few survived in the domain. Not many had managed to take refuge in the lord’s castle to escape the sudden onslaught of monsters. Everything had been too sudden, so even evacuation couldn’t be properly carried out. More people had bodies that were never found. It was the same for my parents.

All that was found in the ruins was an arm, presumed to be my mother’s, tightly wrapped with a black ribbon. What was found at the edge of the forest was just a broken sword that my father had used, that was all.

Somehow, I couldn’t even cry. Perhaps it was because it felt so unreal. My mind was just foggy, as if walking on clouds. One by one, the survivors left the ruined domain to continue their lives. Standing idly by the window, I could see several carriages moving away in the distance every day.

Ah, I wanted to die.

To have survived like this, to have survived alone like this… I didn’t want to receive people’s pitying glances, to be pointed at by someone, to hear that it was fortunate that at least I had survived. What would have happened if I hadn’t gone to the viscount’s domain then? At least I wouldn’t be stupidly alive alone like this.

Oh, God. How could you do this to me? What did I do wrong, what did we do so wrong…

Day by day, I withered away like that. I didn’t want to live, didn’t want to eat, didn’t want to sleep, I hated even breathing and moving. Yet I couldn’t die. I realized that people don’t die so easily from just this much. But I was a coward. I no longer wanted to live, but I couldn’t bring myself to end my own life. My countless suicide attempts remained just attempts.

Walking down the corridor, standing at the top of the stairs that appeared, I wondered several times a day what would happen if I fell from here. When I picked up the knife on the table, thoughts of what would happen if I slit my throat with this knife naturally came to me, making me lose my appetite. When I entered the bathtub to wash, I wanted to just sink into the water and disappear, and when I lay in bed trying to fall into elusive sleep, I wanted to suffocate to death with the blanket pulled over my head, but I always ended up instinctively throwing off the blanket to survive.

Even then, tears wouldn’t come. At some point, my eyes seemed to have dried up, feeling only parched. In my heart, I wanted to cry endlessly, to scream out loud, but I couldn’t even do that freely. So I despaired.

Pitter-patter. Plop…

It rained.

‘My Lord, some of the domain’s people have come to say goodbye before leaving.’

‘…I see.’

As I raised my gaze, I saw my reflection in the glass window. A haggard face from lack of sleep, visibly thinner from not eating, and cracked lips with dried blood. My hair and eyes, which were already dull, looked even darker that day.

‘How unsightly.’

Seeing my reflection in the window looking so pathetic, I turned away. With each step I took, my body creaked. I wasn’t unaware of the people fidgeting behind me, but I had no energy to pay attention to them.

‘…When do you plan to leave?’

I spoke as if in passing, watching those who bowed their heads to me and left crying.

‘What? Young master, what are you saying!’

‘I’ll write you a letter of recommendation. You need to find a way to live too.’

‘…’

‘I’ve already spoken with Viscount Rasilla, so just let me know whenever.’

A dilapidated carriage fades into the distance. The wind still carried the smell of decay. The rain falling on the domain was black. The ashes left from the burning rose into the sky and fell as rain, so it could only be damp and dark.

The domain where no one lived anymore was filled only with the smell of death. A crow caws somewhere. A monster howls somewhere. Somewhere, somewhere…

Ah, whose memory is this?